So...hi.

I'm up at two a.m. because i'm stupid.

actually it's because my mind won't stop running and i just keep thinking about things that could be wrong with me.

I hate it.

If you didn't know already, i'm at SNU instead of UCO.

Which, I enjoy a whole lot more for a few reasons: I can feel God everywhere and I needed that. I know people here, well at least I hope they do, actually care for a personal one on one relationship with me to some extent..and then because it's in my hometown and after my mom moved us out to Edmond I couldn't stand being away from here.

I love Bethany. I always will. Judge me.

But lately i've been really down. I feel as though I don't fit in. I mean yeah everyone knows my name and knows who I am and blah blah blah. But it seem that no one cares to get to know me like I thought they would. It hurts me. I just want there to be people who actually want to invite me to hangout instead of me having to call them and beg to. It make me feel so lame.

I've never really been the person people dislike, or at least I didn't think I was.

Maybe I thought wrong....

A few people have told me not to try so hard or maybe to tone down my loudness because some girls will feel inferior and girls don't like other girls who make them feel inferior, yadiyah. Or that my loudness might make guys feel intimidated. Seriously?! Get over it.

I'm Bekah Freakin Barkocy.

I just want friends, I want Riley.

Riley was the best friend evvverrr, you don't even know. Sometimes I wish she did.

I know God is my friend and all and that I should be content with that, but why doesn't He want to bless me with amazing friends here on earth?

Sometimes it makes me second guess SNU.

I'm sorry it's my first time back in a few months but I needed to vent and I'm going to try to keep up semi..ish. haha. from now on.

I miss my family. As in FAMILY, you know the whole mother-father shindig.

I wish they could have worked out. Sad day. I like to tell myself that they'll work out in years to come like Lily Vanderwoodsen and Rufus Humphrey on Gossip Girl, not that they were ever married but still. pretty much, who knows though, what if when all the kids are grown up my dad realizes he loves my mom? ugh, i should stop. i always let my imagination get the best of me. Definitely not healthy.

I guess right now I'm sorta down in the dumps, or recycling bin, waiting to be recycled and used again but maybe actually work next time. So right now Icould just use some prayer because I have so many doors opening right now and I need to focus on that more than trying to make friends.

I love you all, thanks for boring yourselves. :)

g'morning.

whoaa. you betcha, you betcha.

So this post could turn out extremely long because I have a lot on my mind but then again...I get a little a.d.d. for it all. 

These past few weeks I guess you could say I haven't been myself? I've just been fighting with myself and with God. Everyday was spiritually, emotionally, and you better believe physically exhausting. I had things constantly spinning in my head and I didn't know what to think. I'd be having a conversation with someone and have to have them repeat the whole thing. I haven't been very social to people I would normally socialize with. I wanted to just duck in a cave and hibernate. I was scared that something inside me was changing and at the point I couldn't tell whether it was good or bad. Kinda like Renesme in Twilight.  I was frustrated with myself for not understanding what all was happening and the feelings I had were so confusing. I want this, wait no that. I was indecisive. Then...I began to pray. 

I would pray everyday...while driving, walking to class, standing in the elevator or just staring out my window, even the shower. I prayed to God over and over asking Him for guidance. Telling Him I need His help because I was so lost. I had mixed emotions about everything. He took my hand in His and began getting me back on the path that I thought was too far gone. I asked friends to pray for me as well, thank you guys. And wow, I've never experienced the power of prayer personally. So this past week or so I've managed to get myself back on track and I feel amazing. Like an air purifier is built into me haha. There are so many little things that I would normally never notice but now I know it's God's little bit of humorous encouragement. 

I was at my dad's house tonight talking to him about up and coming decisions that need to be made asap. One of them was transferring schools. He wasn't against it because he knows it's for the right reasons. I'm going to SNU this week to talk with an advisor. I feel like a burden has been lifted off of me. Yeah it's sad I'm quitting design but honestly I'm devastated that i'm leaving my best friend/soulmate behind. Riley Marae Bell. I don't know how I'll make it without her always there. I know we'll hang alot but everyday, no. This semester I haven't had much time at all to do other things and one of those is spend time with her. I wish I could go back and drop design and do it all over but I guess we learn from everything we do. I love Riley and she's a very important person in my life. She's influenced me in many strange ways but they were ways that made a part of who I am today. This isn't like a 'goodbye' because we'll hang but more like a "whoa! You betcha, you betcha." 

one thing....How do you tell a best friend/soulmate that you're transferring schools...

I'm able to easily tell anyone else but it's so hard to tell her. Why? I'm not leaving because I hate her lol, that'd be ridunk. But I need to do this in order to better myself and my relationship I have with God. He comes first. I just am so afraid she won't understand. 

help..and please pray for me. I'm in a fragile state right now. 

much appreciated. ♥

ooooohhh.

i'mabouta BLOG tonight. 

but i can't write right now cause you know...

design likes to control every aspect of my life. 

-peaceout.

i can smile at this anytime.

 

burn baby burn.

i'm sorry if you're reading these and are super annoyed. actually i'm not sorry. get over it, it's my life. I do what I want. 

So I'm on a diet cause I think I'm fat. Call me crazy but I know each one of you people who are reading this are unhappy with your love handles or "pudge", you know the thing that sticks out and has the capability of ruining an amazing outfit. Well my diet consists of replacing two meals, which for me are breakfast and dinner, and instead of eating I drink a Slim-fast. Then I eat a very healthy lunch. Or I try to. Plus an hour of cardio a day and vwhalaa! I lose weight. 

When I first got to college I weighed 136. I thought I had gained like ten pounds but I only gained four. ha. crazy. My only problem is is that design is taking over every part of my life. I'm not able to run anymore. I have no time for myself or anyone else. So pretty much I'm unhappy. Does this mean I give up design so I can be happy again? How am I supposed  to know?! No one knows! I hate UCO! It feels like everyone actually enjoys design but me. I could've sworn I wanted to be interior design. Like no doubt in my mind. These dumb foundations of design are killing me. I'm losing interest. I feel like I'm wasting time and my dad's money. But if I do end up giving design up I don't know what other option I would have. Photography is just as hard if not more. I wish I was rich and could just travel the world and take pictures, just do my hobbies. 

I have a humanities test tomorrow and I'm not studying. I should be but I get distracted. baha. 

I mean it isn't that hard but I'm sure if I studied I'd do better. 

I miss my youthgroup. I miss being in it. The people that I was surrounded by. I've lost the path I was following. I need it back. I've changed so much spiritually. It scares me but I don't know how to face it and I feel like I don't have time to work on it. I miss God, I mean I know he's ALWAYS there for me and all but I never seem to have time to open up to him and fill him in on the little things like I used to. I used to just spill everything to him while I was driving, no radio, nothing on, but now it's design. It's just clouding everything. I've honestly almost had a head-on collision while driving because I was organizing things I have to do for design in my head. 

What do you do if you feel God calling you to do something but you can't help but tell yourself it's just in your head. And you don't want to accept the challenge because you think your Dad might be mad at you for being such a waste. If you're reading this..anyone.. I'm begging you, please, please pray for me. I'm so lost. Good morning. 

first things first: the font selections on these blogspots suck. 

okay...

well it's like nearing one and i'm going crazy inside. blogging seems to be the only thing lately that'll be patient enough to let me get what i'm feeling out. Right now I feel like typing everything that's going on in my head into a long list which actually I'm going to do. but first, this asian guy across our hall is name Aik-mun. He's pretty much a living pokemon. he just laughed hysterically and it bothers me. Like what could he be laughing at?!

list:

To Kill a Mocking Bird

ice cream truck

rainbow

red school houses

penny loafers

nickels

rivers in mountains that are visible from the road

mint leaf

frogs

tea

Keeka

ghosts

washer and dryer

Hess trucks

swimming

Lil Wayne

yellow firetruck

rubber cement

salt and black coffee

Half Pint

split ends

value?

rope

sun

bandits

the movie Holes

black

Space Balls

"the shimmy"

secret handshake

Aimes

okay I have more but that would be a huge blog. but in my head is a whirlwind of all these words and I don't know what to grasp. I wanna make a new blog this one is too messy...

i'm majoring in suicide.

i'm sitting in my classroom an hour early waiting for class to start. it's me and three guys. 

they're all a bit strange. especially one in particular. he has no social skills and i'm pretty sure he stalks me. someone save me. the first thing he said when he walked in was, "i saw you driving today in your car." but he said it with an old creepy farmers voice or something. Man i miss high school. 

do you ever feel like you're constantly surrounded by people who are more advanced or intelligent than you and you're always the stupid one. You can never get things done on time and when you do it's never good enough. Sometimes I think college isn't for me. maybe i should do hair...........................oh whoops..i accidentally held the button down but i'm too lazy to delete. 

anywaysssss....i need to take a break from all this design junk. it's whack. i don't do whack. i cannot wait until summer. i want time to hangout with friends. 

holy schnikeys. this stalker kid keeps asking me where sergio is? how's he been? i haven't seen him lately? 

oh em gee. leave me alone. how does he not see that my shoulder is pretty much going through the ice age. seriously. don't talk to me. 

i might sound rude but i don't care. I do what i want.

uggghh. i think my teacher is almost here. i'll talk to you later. 

ya digg?!

"i'm gonna pour alcohol all over me and walk to the arctic."

ignorance is bliss. 

my brother caleb is so ignorant, hence the title of my post. 

my youngest brother benni was tellin my mom today that she should invent a wine popsicle cause that's all she ever drinks and apparently he thought a popsicle would do it some good. I'm not sure.

anyways.. my mom was like, "well benni, that'd be a good idea if alcohol could freeze. but it can't." 

i could hear his dreams shatter. okay i took it too far. 

but caleb took it even further. he was like,"no it doesn't, i'm gonna freeze some." he's so stupid.

we told him over and over and i guess when he was ready to accept the fact that alcohol does NOT freeze he said, "well, then...i'll pour alcohol all over my body and walk to the arctic."

he looked up at all of us like he was the funniest thing ever and we silently blew it off and pretended it wasn't funny because quite honestly, it was. we just couldn't let him know cause that's our job as older siblings. me and susannah proceeded to spoon our frozen gummybears out of our icees. 

every seven seconds?!?

so today i was listening to 90.9 Air One..I recommend everyone listen to it. They play awesome music. 

well anyways...today they were having people call in and pledge a certain amount of money, for instance, 13$ can feed one kid for a whole month! Only thirteen dollars!!! Guys that's like two hours of working. 

They also  mentioned that one kid dies of starvation every seven seconds! SEVEN! That is unbelievable. 

After hearing that, and visualizing something so horrid in my mind I knew that God was telling me to give of myself to help some of those kids in need. 

I may not be able to feed five or six but if I can change only one life with such a simple gift I will do what I can. Those kids need to know that God has love for them. 

I've decided to give a certain amount per month, I know that it might not be easy for you guys to give anything financially but please at least pray for these kids. They're moms are having to force their kids to eat mud because their stomaches are eating themselves. 

Please act guys. We can each help one. Together we can help them all. 

anxious.

man i can't wait for summer. 

i'm looking outside and it's so blah. 

those four pictures are my most favoritest places in this world especially when i'm with my family. 

1. our beach house. i thought the placement of the clouds was cool.

2. that's boston. I love shopping there. except this street consists of Chanel, burberry, Marc Jacobs..you get the picture.

3.good ole Times Square. i brought my soulmate with me. man i miss being black. 

4. our swimmin' hole. it's a mile from my gramma's in North Carolina. We ride our bikes and swim. jealous? you should be. 

well that's what i'm waiting for. our annual summer vacation to the East Coast.

                                        but in all actuality my favorite place in the whole entire world is here: 

                                                  in his arms.

my first time.

Hey, so this is new to me. My very first blog! I'm actually more enthused towards this than I thought I might be. But it's four:thirty-six a.m. and I just had a very bad day. I'm too stressed to sleep sooo..why not blog?!?

I realized today that I keep too much of myself to myself. I need to learn to talk about what I'm going through and what my day was like. You know, stop being so selfish. 

Well anyways..I'll go ahead and talk about myself a little. I'm a freshman in college and I'm an interior design major. I came into college ready for the "experience of my life" as most people seem to describe it. I was ready to meet new people, learn new things, gain more responsibility, just kind of hoping I'd do more things on my own and still have fun. Little did I now that my design classes would completely consume me. Along with my social life and anything else I enjoyed. I lost all my extra time for fun stuff and began filling it with project, after project, after project. In the meantime. My roommate/bestfriend/soulmate(not lover) Riley Marae seems to have all the time in the world. She's going out every weekend coming back with wicked stories and yadi yadi yah. Needless to say I wanted to punch her in her vag. It's been like that all year and honestly I'm about to break. My projects are causing me to sleep less because of stress and the time it takes to do them, so with that I'm falling behind in my very simple core classes. I'm just so sick of it all. I wish I could just drop out. Buy my camera I've been saving for. and move away to Africa to photograph the beauty there and run around like crazy with all the kids. 

Too bad it isn't that simple. My brother Seth reminds me all the time. I guess I've always liked a challenge but it seems like I have no fight left in me to put up with these ridunculous classes anymore. I just want to go back to being a kid. Walking around barefoot all summer long and having to be in for supper when it got dark. Eating ice cream cones on the porch with the freakin mosquitoes. Swimming half naked in puddles after a rain. Riding bikes all over Bethany with Dustin and Taylor. having lemonade stands everyday just to send the cool kid next door across Rockwell to get us Big League Chew with our profits. Football with the boys til you heard the crickets. Goodness. I wish. 

Now I've got high tops on 24/7 and no time to eat supper. No money to buy ice cream cones plus you just gain weight. Running in the rain only to hear perverted remarks about wet t-shirt contests once you walk back to your room. No more bikes with Dust and Tay cause our knees would hit the handlebars and we've parted ways. Only lemonade I sell now is over the headset at Sonic. And football with the boys would be awesome but now the video games are too realistic. 

Wonder what heaven'll be like...