So...hi.

I'm up at two a.m. because i'm stupid.

actually it's because my mind won't stop running and i just keep thinking about things that could be wrong with me.

I hate it.

If you didn't know already, i'm at SNU instead of UCO.

Which, I enjoy a whole lot more for a few reasons: I can feel God everywhere and I needed that. I know people here, well at least I hope they do, actually care for a personal one on one relationship with me to some extent..and then because it's in my hometown and after my mom moved us out to Edmond I couldn't stand being away from here.

I love Bethany. I always will. Judge me.

But lately i've been really down. I feel as though I don't fit in. I mean yeah everyone knows my name and knows who I am and blah blah blah. But it seem that no one cares to get to know me like I thought they would. It hurts me. I just want there to be people who actually want to invite me to hangout instead of me having to call them and beg to. It make me feel so lame.

I've never really been the person people dislike, or at least I didn't think I was.

Maybe I thought wrong....

A few people have told me not to try so hard or maybe to tone down my loudness because some girls will feel inferior and girls don't like other girls who make them feel inferior, yadiyah. Or that my loudness might make guys feel intimidated. Seriously?! Get over it.

I'm Bekah Freakin Barkocy.

I just want friends, I want Riley.

Riley was the best friend evvverrr, you don't even know. Sometimes I wish she did.

I know God is my friend and all and that I should be content with that, but why doesn't He want to bless me with amazing friends here on earth?

Sometimes it makes me second guess SNU.

I'm sorry it's my first time back in a few months but I needed to vent and I'm going to try to keep up semi..ish. haha. from now on.

I miss my family. As in FAMILY, you know the whole mother-father shindig.

I wish they could have worked out. Sad day. I like to tell myself that they'll work out in years to come like Lily Vanderwoodsen and Rufus Humphrey on Gossip Girl, not that they were ever married but still. pretty much, who knows though, what if when all the kids are grown up my dad realizes he loves my mom? ugh, i should stop. i always let my imagination get the best of me. Definitely not healthy.

I guess right now I'm sorta down in the dumps, or recycling bin, waiting to be recycled and used again but maybe actually work next time. So right now Icould just use some prayer because I have so many doors opening right now and I need to focus on that more than trying to make friends.

I love you all, thanks for boring yourselves. :)

g'morning.