So...hi.

I'm up at two a.m. because i'm stupid.

actually it's because my mind won't stop running and i just keep thinking about things that could be wrong with me.

I hate it.

If you didn't know already, i'm at SNU instead of UCO.

Which, I enjoy a whole lot more for a few reasons: I can feel God everywhere and I needed that. I know people here, well at least I hope they do, actually care for a personal one on one relationship with me to some extent..and then because it's in my hometown and after my mom moved us out to Edmond I couldn't stand being away from here.

I love Bethany. I always will. Judge me.

But lately i've been really down. I feel as though I don't fit in. I mean yeah everyone knows my name and knows who I am and blah blah blah. But it seem that no one cares to get to know me like I thought they would. It hurts me. I just want there to be people who actually want to invite me to hangout instead of me having to call them and beg to. It make me feel so lame.

I've never really been the person people dislike, or at least I didn't think I was.

Maybe I thought wrong....

A few people have told me not to try so hard or maybe to tone down my loudness because some girls will feel inferior and girls don't like other girls who make them feel inferior, yadiyah. Or that my loudness might make guys feel intimidated. Seriously?! Get over it.

I'm Bekah Freakin Barkocy.

I just want friends, I want Riley.

Riley was the best friend evvverrr, you don't even know. Sometimes I wish she did.

I know God is my friend and all and that I should be content with that, but why doesn't He want to bless me with amazing friends here on earth?

Sometimes it makes me second guess SNU.

I'm sorry it's my first time back in a few months but I needed to vent and I'm going to try to keep up semi..ish. haha. from now on.

I miss my family. As in FAMILY, you know the whole mother-father shindig.

I wish they could have worked out. Sad day. I like to tell myself that they'll work out in years to come like Lily Vanderwoodsen and Rufus Humphrey on Gossip Girl, not that they were ever married but still. pretty much, who knows though, what if when all the kids are grown up my dad realizes he loves my mom? ugh, i should stop. i always let my imagination get the best of me. Definitely not healthy.

I guess right now I'm sorta down in the dumps, or recycling bin, waiting to be recycled and used again but maybe actually work next time. So right now Icould just use some prayer because I have so many doors opening right now and I need to focus on that more than trying to make friends.

I love you all, thanks for boring yourselves. :)

g'morning.

whoaa. you betcha, you betcha.

So this post could turn out extremely long because I have a lot on my mind but then again...I get a little a.d.d. for it all. 

These past few weeks I guess you could say I haven't been myself? I've just been fighting with myself and with God. Everyday was spiritually, emotionally, and you better believe physically exhausting. I had things constantly spinning in my head and I didn't know what to think. I'd be having a conversation with someone and have to have them repeat the whole thing. I haven't been very social to people I would normally socialize with. I wanted to just duck in a cave and hibernate. I was scared that something inside me was changing and at the point I couldn't tell whether it was good or bad. Kinda like Renesme in Twilight.  I was frustrated with myself for not understanding what all was happening and the feelings I had were so confusing. I want this, wait no that. I was indecisive. Then...I began to pray. 

I would pray everyday...while driving, walking to class, standing in the elevator or just staring out my window, even the shower. I prayed to God over and over asking Him for guidance. Telling Him I need His help because I was so lost. I had mixed emotions about everything. He took my hand in His and began getting me back on the path that I thought was too far gone. I asked friends to pray for me as well, thank you guys. And wow, I've never experienced the power of prayer personally. So this past week or so I've managed to get myself back on track and I feel amazing. Like an air purifier is built into me haha. There are so many little things that I would normally never notice but now I know it's God's little bit of humorous encouragement. 

I was at my dad's house tonight talking to him about up and coming decisions that need to be made asap. One of them was transferring schools. He wasn't against it because he knows it's for the right reasons. I'm going to SNU this week to talk with an advisor. I feel like a burden has been lifted off of me. Yeah it's sad I'm quitting design but honestly I'm devastated that i'm leaving my best friend/soulmate behind. Riley Marae Bell. I don't know how I'll make it without her always there. I know we'll hang alot but everyday, no. This semester I haven't had much time at all to do other things and one of those is spend time with her. I wish I could go back and drop design and do it all over but I guess we learn from everything we do. I love Riley and she's a very important person in my life. She's influenced me in many strange ways but they were ways that made a part of who I am today. This isn't like a 'goodbye' because we'll hang but more like a "whoa! You betcha, you betcha." 

one thing....How do you tell a best friend/soulmate that you're transferring schools...

I'm able to easily tell anyone else but it's so hard to tell her. Why? I'm not leaving because I hate her lol, that'd be ridunk. But I need to do this in order to better myself and my relationship I have with God. He comes first. I just am so afraid she won't understand. 

help..and please pray for me. I'm in a fragile state right now. 

much appreciated. ♥

ooooohhh.

i'mabouta BLOG tonight. 

but i can't write right now cause you know...

design likes to control every aspect of my life. 

-peaceout.